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Somewhat Accurate Recruiting Rankings

The thought of doing a second recruiting-related post in less than a week was nearly enough to get me to walk to my car and begin slamming the driver’s side door on my head.  However, it’s at least a two-minute walk to my car from where I currently sit, and given my current state of motivation, it might as well be in El Paso.

Plus, I don’t like pain, particularly the self-inflicted kind (I accidentally scratched myself on the neck with a fingernail while drying off after showering this morning and thought I sliced open my jugular), and many of the people out there enjoy the recruiting talk.  So, in a dismissal of my core values, I will yield to the desires of the people and talk about recruiting rankings as they stand inside of two weeks until signing day.

(Note:  I omitted Texas A&M and Missourah because in my mind they’re not in until they play a game.  Also, I don’t have the energy.)

Alabama

  • 27-time recruiting national champions
  • Defending recruiting national champions
  • Actual national champions on the field
  • Exposing scrotums in Krystal national champions

Current National Rank:  1

Top Players:  ALL THE GOOD PLAYERS.

Arkansas

  • Cotton Bowl champions
  • Jerry Jones World champions (2-0 in Arlington)
  • National champions of telling everyone how awful Houston Nutt is

Current National Rank:  20-ish

Top Players:  Not as good as LSU, Alabama, Florida, Auburn, South Carolina or Georgia, but pretty close to Tennessee

Auburn

  • Defensive coordinator hair and mustache national champions

Current National Rank:  15-ish

Top Players:  “NOT AS GOOD AS OUR BOYS, PAWWWLLLL!  AND PROBABLY A BUNCH OF THUGS!!!  RTR, BABY!!!!  NATIONAL CHAMPS IN EVERYTHING AGAIN!!!!”

Florida

  • Early offseason arrest national champions
  • Coach most likely to spit up blood national champions

Current National Rank:  Probably top five

Top Players:  See, “Best High School Players in the State of Florida”

Georgia

  • Assistant coach willing to fight national champions
  • Conservative national champions
  • When in doubt, play for the field goal national champions

Current National Rank:  10-15 or so

Top Players:  Permanently stuck below LSU and Alabama, despite being a school of comprable size and wealth

Kentucky

  • Elite Eight national champions

Current National Rank:  Unable to compute; can only find basketball rankings

Top Players:  John Calipari’s next class

LSU

  • National championship game pre-game fight rumor national champions
  • Bobby Hebert’s national champions
  • Jordan Jefferson eligibility expiration national champions

Current National Rank:  Top five-ish

Top Players:  Anyone who is anyone in Louisiana

Ole Miss

  • Coach in The Blind Side national champions
  • 14 straight SEC losses national champions
  • Billboard co-national champions

Current National Rank:  30-40-ish

Top Players:  Those who were going to Mississippi State before we paid them

Mississippi State

  • Egg Bowl national champions
  • 5th place SEC West national champions
  • Hailing State national champions
  • Billboard co-national champions

Current National Rank:  “Someone needs to tell the NCAA that Ole Miss is paying players!11!!111!”

Top Players:  Only the best from “Our State”

South Carolina

Current National Rank:  Hovering around the top ten

Top Players:  Those who enjoy pitchin’ and catchin’ it a little bit.  Also, a few defensive guys.

Tennessee

  • Offseason angst national champions
  • Most assistant coaches leaving national champions
  • Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch national champions

Current National Rank:  15-20, but Phil Fulmer has yet to make certain arrangements

Top Players:  Anyone not from Tennessee

Vanderbilt

  • Head coach willing to fight national champions
  • West End national champions
  • Ole Miss national champions

Current National Rank:  Something like in the 30s

Top Players:  Good enough to irritate everyone else and maybe beat Kentucky, but always beat Ole Miss

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