Last year, I recapped each SEC team’s spring practice through the beauty of pictures hastily found during Google image searches. This year, in order to keep things fresh and give the people something new, which is what they’re always demanding, we’re doing away with the pictures and maximizing convenience for me by going to a bulleted list of bits of information gleamed from just the spring games. Why, how lazy of you, Gray. Yes, well, you’ll get no argument from me.
First up is Alabama (#SPRINGRECAPCHAMPIONSHIP), but I’ll get to everyone else in the coming week or so. Time permitting and literally nothing else to do on the Internet, I’ll try to do two in one day to make this thing go faster. Anyway, let’s revisit the scene in Tuscaloosa.
- 78,526 people, which was about 78,326 more than showed up for Boston College’s spring game, decided to spend part of their Saturday watching the DEFENDING NATIONAL CHAMPIONS ROOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TAHD 29 CHAMPIONSHIPS BEAR BRYANT Y’ALL play itself
- I’m kinda surprised Nick Saban didn’t call off the game after the first score was a safety; surely he at least climbed into an equipment locker and smoked a cigarette
- “PAAAAAWWWWWLLLLLL, I DIDN’T LIKE THROWIN’ THE BALL 42 DAMN TIMES. WE GOT TO RUN THE BALL IF WE GONNA WIN OUR 34TH NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. RUNNING AND DEFENSE WIN THE SEC.”
- The game was sponsored by Golden Flake, which means we better be getting a Nick Saban Golden Flake commercial and it better be as good as this one
- Quote from Saban: “Doug (Nussmeier; new offensive coordinator) has got some new ideas about what he wants to do. I like those ideas. We’ll do some of those things a little differently.”
- Translation of quote: “Doug has got some new ideas about what he wants to do. Whatever. We’ll do those things the way we’ve been doing them.”
- Another quote from Saban: “One thing that never happens in college football is no one ever has a bad spring and no one ever has a bad spring game.”
- Point of order: Ole Miss 2011 and 2012 springs take issue with this statement
- If AJ McCarron throws three interceptions in a game this season, Saban will take a safety pin and black pen ink and personally add to McCarron’s chest tattoo
- For future reference, here is a graph that helps explain Saban’s anger levels during a game: